Sunday, 15 October 2017

Some wordy thoughts about a wedding

It has (again) been quite a long time since I last blogged, and I have (again) decided that rather than draw too much attention to this I'm just going to dive right in and hopefully you'll do the same. (I don't really know who I'm speaking to here. I think a blog that updates once every nine months is probably overshooting to expect readers. But, you know. Hi! It's me again!)

I don't think I really know how to blog this way anymore, or I've just grown a bit too self-conscious as I've gotten older, but I don't really have a 'home' on the internet these days and it's a nice idea to have somewhere I can collect everything. I spend a lot of time on instagram but it still feels very much like microblogging and the lack of neat archiving options is a bit horrifying. So here I am.

Anyway, I just wanted to make a little post about getting married, because that feels like a Good Thing to blog about. I'm only six months behind, which by the standards of this blog, is actually pretty good going. It was something we'd been meaning to do for ages but hadn't really got round to, kind of like defrosting the freezer properly and finally getting rid of the mummified chips in the bottom drawer, or pulling out your wardrobe to vacuum the dusty strip of carpet down the back, which is maybe a bit of a strange way to think about a wedding, but there it is.

I don't like to say this in case I accidentally upset or offend someone who loves weddings, and I will defend to the death your right to love them, but to be perfectly honest, the more I thought about it the less I could be bothered. They're so expensive. And logistically difficult. Who do you invite? Who don't you invite? I don't have very strong feelings about napkins or place settings. I do have strong feelings about my relationship and emotions being public property. And the whole industry is deeply absurd. Oh no, I really wasn't keen on a wedding at all. I thought I might just skip the whole thing altogether for all the difference it makes practically to my life (ie. none.)

All of that still applies, by the way. I have no idea what changed. The whole idea didn't seem to fit me at all in the run up to it, even when everything was decided and booked, so I ended up not really telling anyone except the family members whose attendance was required. Which is, in retrospect, a weird and secretive thing to do, and probably made me more stressed and weird about it. I kept hitting all these... things, that just made me so uncomfortable and awkward. Wedding-y things. The dress, for one. I ordered a more traditionally-inspired white dress from Modcloth (and all their wedding dresses are so reasonable and lovely, so no criticism to them) because that felt like the thing I should do, but when I tried it on I took one look in the mirror and just felt completely horrified. So that was a no.

No, I did absolutely not want to do personalised vows. Do we have to have a reading? Is there no way we could just sign the thing and leave? What do you mean music? Can't we all just enter in silence, sign the thing, and -

Anyway, somehow, we did it. I nearly literally passed out from stress, but I did it. Immediate family only, a dress that didn't horrify me, the registry office in my hometown with (compulsory) music and a reading (though we found something that didn't make us cringe in the end), and then a very delicious meal in a shipping container. (No, seriously. It's a wonderful place. Please take a look!)

In the spirit of our capital 'C' Casual aesthetic, our wedding photographer was a combination of a cheap Amazon tripod and a camera remote, occasionally me, and my very obliging sister who wrestled enthusiastically with the dodgy autofocus on my DSLR (which hasn't worked properly in years and I've practically forgotten it ever existed, and didn't think to mention it. Sorry, Louise.) I still don't much like being in front of the camera and especially not on such a High Pressure occasion, but I think they turned out okay, and I'm glad that I herded everyone out onto the grass and got bossy about it.

Anyway, I'm glad we did it. I had a good time! But I wouldn't especially want to do it again, mainly because it was very overwhelming in a anxiety inducing (to me) sort of way. I hope those three statements make a kind of sense together, and don't reflect in any way on how happy I am to have married such a Cool Person, or how touched I am by our families' enthusiasm. It's just... weddings are very weird, and I am a very awkward person with a keen sense of absurdity. They don't really make Pinterest boards for that, and I think that's where I struggled a bit, but I think (I hope!) I found my way in the end.


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